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A little structure prevents most of this. Here is a process that works for families of any size.
Name one writer and one editor
Committees do not write well. Pick a single person to hold the pen. This is usually the family member who writes most comfortably or who knew the person's whole life story best. Often that is not the same person as the executor or the eldest child, and that is fine.
Then pick one other person to serve as the editor. The editor's job is to gather everyone else's feedback, decide what goes in and protect the writer from being pulled in six directions. When two relatives disagree, the editor makes the call.
Announce these roles to the family early. People accept a decision more easily when they understand who is making it and why.
Set the deadline before you start
Work backward from the first thing that needs the text. That might be a newspaper print deadline, the funeral program, the memorial service or the online memorial page. Print deadlines are the tightest. Most weekly papers close several days before publication, and daily papers vary. Ask the paper or funeral home for the exact cutoff rather than guessing.
Give the family a firm date for feedback, ideally 24 hours before the writer needs to finalize. State it plainly. "Send corrections and stories to Maria by Thursday noon" works better than "let us know what you think."
Get the facts locked first
Before anyone worries about tone, confirm the details that must be right. Errors here are the ones that upset people most and the hardest to fix once printed.
Full legal name and any nicknames or maiden names
Birth date and place
Date of death
Names and spelling of spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings and parents
Who died before them
Schools, military service, employers and hometowns
Service details, including date, time, address and whether the public is invited
Where to send flowers or donations
Circulate this list as its own document. Ask each branch of the family to check only their own names and dates. A cousin does not need to verify the wedding year, and the spouse does not need to confirm how a grandchild spells her middle name.
Decide who is next of kin and who gets listed
This is where families get hurt. Decide early how you will handle:
Ex-spouses and current partners
Stepchildren and half-siblings
Estranged relatives
Long-term friends who functioned as family
Pets
Caregivers
There is no single correct answer. Some families list everyone. Some list only those the person considered family. The editor should raise these questions directly rather than let them surface in a comment thread the night before the deadline. If a relationship was complicated, a simple phrase such as "and their families" or "many friends and loved ones" can honor people without opening old arguments.
Ask different people for different things
Not every reviewer should read the whole draft the same way. Match the request to the person.
Spouse or partner
Tone, the shape of the life, what mattered most. This person usually has veto power over the final version.
Children
Facts, family names, the stories that defined childhood and the values they want remembered.
Siblings
Early life. They are often the only people who know the childhood home, the parents, what the person was like at 12.
Colleagues and longtime friends
Career details, professional accomplishments, the version of the person who existed outside the family. Ask a specific question such as "What did she do at work that people still talk about?" rather than "Any thoughts?"
Faith community, clubs or organizations
Titles, years of involvement, correct name of the congregation or group.
Grandchildren
One story each. Do not ask them to edit. Ask them to remember.
Tell each reviewer what kind of feedback you want and what kind you do not. "Please check the facts in paragraphs two and three" is a different assignment from "Does this sound like Dad?"
Separate stories from the obituary
Every family has more stories than one obituary can hold. Treat that as a feature. Collect all of them, then use two or three in the written obituary and save the rest for the memorial page, the eulogy or the service program.
Ask each person to send one or two short memories in their own words. Keep them somewhere the whole family can see. On a LifeCelebrations page, anyone can add a memory directly, which keeps the stories flowing after the obituary is finished and takes pressure off the writer to include everything.
Talk about length and budget at the same time
Length and cost are the same conversation when print is involved.
The free online memorial on LifeCelebrations.com has no length limit and no charge. Write the full life story there. If you also want the obituary in a newspaper, most papers charge by the line, the word or the column inch, and photos add cost. Rates vary widely by publication, so ask for the current rate card before you decide how much to write.
A practical approach:
Write the complete version first, with no length constraint. This becomes the online memorial and the family's permanent record.
Decide which newspapers matter. The hometown paper, the paper where the person lived most recently, the paper where their siblings live.
Ask each paper for pricing on the length you have in mind.
Cut a print version to fit the budget. Keep the facts, service information and the two or three details that make the person recognizable. Move the rest online.
Add a line at the end of the print version pointing readers to the full story and memorial page.
Decide up front who pays. Sometimes the estate covers it. Sometimes siblings split the cost. Settling this before the invoices arrive avoids another difficult conversation later.
Reading the draft aloud
Before the final version goes out, have the writer read it aloud to the editor and one other person. Ears catch what eyes miss. A sentence that reads fine on the page can sound wrong when spoken, and the obituary will be spoken at the service.
Listen for three things. Does it sound like the person? Would a stranger understand who they were? Is there anything in it that would embarrass someone still living?
The final sign-off
The editor collects the last corrections, the writer makes them and the spouse or the family member closest to the person gives final approval. Then stop. Do not reopen the draft for one more story or one more name. There will be more to say. Say it at the service, in the guestbook or on the memorial page, where there is room for all of it.
When the family cannot agree
If the disagreement is about facts, find a document. A marriage certificate, a diploma, an old newspaper clipping. If the disagreement is about who to include or how to characterize the person, defer to the closest surviving relative. If the disagreement is about length or cost, publish the short version in print and the long version online. Almost every fight over an obituary has a version of this solution.
Write it before you need it
The easiest obituary to write is one the person helped with. Many people now draft their own or work on one with a parent while there is time to ask questions and get the stories right. LifeCelebrations offers guides on writing an obituary in advance, either your own or one for someone you love.